Change of Plans

Because I haven't really talked to a lot of people about this, this post needs a bit of an explanation. Student teaching was a really difficult experience for me. I understand all the theory behind good teaching and of course I know my science. I didn't mind actually teaching the lessons or thinking about ways students would understand it best. But for me, things like the attention to detail in planning, catching absent students or new students up, the late work, entering grades, the HUGE number of students who didn't do their simple homework assignment, (I could go on) were really, really hard. I wasn't good at it.

I've always kind of had the work ethic that I can do hard things and that even if you don't love what you are doing, you put in 100% of your effort. I was doing that with student teaching. I was doing everything I knew how to do to try to be a good teacher. And I was hating it. And I was miserable. And I was stressed out. I would come home and just be overwhelmed by all of these things that I needed to do or all of the things I knew I wasn't remembering to think about ahead of time. Spencer listened to me a lot, never getting annoyed or impatient, I might add. He hugged me and let me cry it out -- a lot. Seriously, he's the best.

Last week started out pretty rough, and then I thought things were going to get better. But then last night I just fell apart. It's like everything imploded and I was feeling like there is no way I could possibly struggle through another 2 months of this. I emailed my supervisor, and she said she would look into my options and we'd talk after our group meeting today. She told me that she was pulling me out of the classroom and the program.

She talked with the academic advisor for my college about what I would need to do to graduate in another major. One class. I just have to take cell biology, which is offered spring term, and I will be graduating in Biology. They must be making some major substitutions and things for me. I've taken a lot of classes, but they don't all sit in the Biology major. I'll still walk in April, but my diploma will be sent to me after spring term. When she told me I started crying with relief. (There have been a lot of tears lately.)

I have to admit that not being able to do something I set out to do is kind of a new experience for me. I tried so hard to be a good teacher, but I am just not a teacher. And that's okay. Part of me feels like a failure or a quitter, but the rest of me realizes that it would be stupid to torture myself with 2 more months of this. (Not to mention my cooperating teacher and the students.) I wish I would have known myself better or just listened to Dad a year and a half ago when I changed programs, but that's life. We learn and we grow. I did get a chance to learn more about myself and I learned a lot about the ways other people learn, and I think that will be something that makes me a better mom someday. Plus, I learned that I could do hard things like memorize lots of mammals and plants, even though I don't even like mammals or plants.

So, we have some changes. We won't be moving until the end of June. We're going to have to reschedule our France trip for later in the summer. (Thank goodness we haven't bought any tickets or things yet! We almost signed a rental deal with a deposit earlier this week.) I am now officially doing nothing, so tomorrow I'm going to spruce up my resume and set out to find a job. I'm glad we'll be able to meet our budget needs again, though! Spencer's thinking about trying to extend his official graduation through Spring so he can keep his job on campus for the extra time we'll be here. Nothing too drastic, but our summer will look a little different. Hopefully we'll hear about medical schools soon so we can know when that will be starting, too. Sometimes change is good, even when it's not what you expected.